«My Kids Take Responsibility Around the House»

Too much on your mind, and now you’re supposed to manage the entire household too? The kids barely help, and every request ends in conflict and drama? That used to be Sam Kelly’s reality. She’s a coach who encourages mothers to stop carrying the full mental load alone — not by becoming more efficient or better at multitasking, as social media often suggests, but by teaching them how to hand off real responsibility to their children and partners. Her audio course «Little Cycle Breakers» is more than just a guide to chore delegation — it’s a full rethinking of housework, gender roles, and the mental load. (On her Instagram, she shares helpful insights, too). Sam Kelly lives in Utah, USA, with her three children. We spoke to her via video call.

Sam Kelly, what have your three kids already done around the house today?
It’s about 11 a.m. here. Before school, my 10-year-old daughter made her bed, unloaded part of the dishwasher, tidied her room, and took her dirty laundry to the hamper. So she’s basically done everything she needed to for today. My other two kids will do their tasks later in the day when they’re back from school. That’s one of the benefits of my approach: once kids know what needs doing and feel confident doing it, they can decide for themselves when to get it done — as long as it’s before screen time, seeing friends, or heading to sports practice. That autonomy is a key part of it.

Before readers stop here thinking your kids must be little robots — what would your answer have been five years ago?
Oh, it would’ve been completely different! Five years ago, I was doing almost everything for my kids. If I asked them to help, it would be met with eye rolls or full-blown drama — even over the smallest tasks. It was a constant power struggle, and eventually, I just didn’t have the energy anymore. I’d think: Why should I fight over someone unloading the dishwasher? I’ll just do it myself. But we’ve changed our whole family dynamic since then. It’s not just about getting tasks done — it’s about shifting from a one-mom show to a real family team that shares the mental load.

It feels like your «before» story is the norm — at least based on the comments and posts I see from parents. Maybe dads help a little, but kids often just have one or two token chores. What sparked this change for you?
I reached a breaking point — I simply couldn’t carry it all anymore, physically or mentally. I told my husband: this can’t continue. I started helping him notice what needed doing, without writing him lists or reminding him. The fact that we even have to teach grown men these things is part of a larger issue — and I truly wish it weren’t necessary. But no one was coming to rescue me, so we worked on it together for over a year. One Friday evening, I was writing a Saturday morning to-do list for the kids when I had a realization: Why am I not teaching my kids the same thing? Why give them lists, when they could learn to notice for themselves? That’s how I developed the «Notice and Do» approach.

So what’s the difference between a typical chore chart and your «Notice and Do» system?
The big difference is that my kids take responsibility — they see what needs doing and act independently. For example, this morning, my daughter had just come back from a weekend trip, and her suitcase was still in her room. Without me saying a word, she unpacked it and put everything away. I didn’t have to tell her or add it to a list. That’s freeing — for her and for me. She’s learning to take responsibility not just at home, but in school, in social situations — everywhere.

Where should parents start when they realize they’ve been doing everything themselves?
First off: it’s a process. Think of it like teaching your child how to tie their shoes — it doesn’t happen overnight. The first step is teaching them to see. Walk through a room together and say: «This is what a full trash can looks like — when it’s like this, it’s time to take it out.» Or: «This is a dirty sink.» Then: «Here’s the cleaner, this is how it works.» Instead of assigning fixed tasks, say: «Each of you should do one Notice and Do today — something you saw yourself and took care of.»

I find it so interesting — I never thought about the fact that kids might not even know what a «clean table» looks like unless someone teaches them. That’s honestly a lightbulb moment for me.
Exactly! We assume they see what we see — but they don’t. And when we teach them that, we’re giving them a crucial tool. And giving ourselves a break.

I always thought being a role model would be enough. My parenting motto comes from Pestalozzi: «Education is example and love, nothing else.» Why doesn’t that work for housework?
Great question. A lot of people think kids don’t help because they don’t care about cleanliness — but honestly, do we love doing laundry or emptying the dishwasher? Not really. We do it because it has to be done — just like brushing your teeth or getting dressed. It’s part of being human. And just because kids see us doing it doesn’t mean they’ll do it themselves. They need guidance and clear expectations — not out of pressure, but because it builds their strength and prepares them for life.

What if they still resist?
Resistance is normal — just like with learning to tie shoes. Kids need time to learn new things. And: we shouldn’t project our own exhaustion and years of frustration onto them. The system is unjust — but that’s not our kids’ fault. I remind myself: I’m angry, and that’s okay — but I’ll use that energy to make a change, not assign blame. And if it’s hard, I join in. We set a timer, put on music, and clean together. Like a team.

It doesn’t always have to come from a place of martyrdom either. Sometimes I just have the time and think: «I’ll just do it real quick.» It’s easier, faster, and I don’t have to explain or wait.
That may feel easier in the moment — but long term, we pay the price in burnout, exhaustion, and resentment. And our kids learn nothing. If we truly want change — for us and for them — then that little detour is worth it. Because the goal is a different kind of life, a different kind of togetherness.

My sons are in elementary school and constantly compete — it’s always, «I did that yesterday!» or «That wasn’t my mess!» How do you handle that?
That’s totally normal — and it’s a learning opportunity. I remind them: «We don’t do tasks based on who made the mess. Everyone contributes something each day — regardless of who caused what.» It’s about responsibility, not blame.

You also mention the «Big Three» in your program. What are those?
The Big Three are three daily responsibilities each child takes on. They’ll look different in every family, but they should be age-appropriate and manageable. For my kids, it’s making their bed, unloading part of the dishwasher, and managing their own laundry. In the beginning, that might just mean putting dirty clothes in the hamper or learning what needs to be washed. It’s not about running the washing machine immediately — it’s about learning responsibility step by step.

And when your kids proudly show you what they’ve done — how do you respond? I once spoke to Alfie Kohn, who warns that praise can undermine intrinsic motivation. What’s your take?
I love Alfie Kohn, I really do. But I try not to pressure myself too much with that. Parents today are bombarded with so many conflicting messages that we end up paralyzed. Praising kids intentionally for their efforts is important so they can feel seen, appreciated, and empowered. I try to focus my praise on the fact that they noticed something needed to be done, first and foremost. It could sound like, «Wow! You noticed that and did it. Thank you», «You’re so good at noticing», «I love the way you just noticed that all on your own», or «Your noticing really makes a difference to our family team. Thank you.»

What I love about your approach is the emphasis on noticing — that simply seeing what needs doing is already a big part of the work, and usually the invisible part.
Exactly. It’s not enough to know how to do something — the first step is noticing that it needs to be done. That’s where the mental load lies, especially for moms. When we teach kids to take that step themselves, it’s a huge relief — and an incredible way to empower them.

At the same time, I sometimes feel torn: on the one hand, I think, our kids already grow up in a performance-driven society — shouldn’t they just be allowed to play? Maria Montessori said, «Play is the work of the child.» On the other hand, I wonder: how spoiled are they? And then my inner martyr pops up again …
I totally get that. But I don’t think it’s a contradiction. Kids can play and take responsibility. Both strengthen them. Studies show that kids who regularly do age-appropriate chores are more resilient, confident, and successful later on. And in my model, proactively contributing to the family  might take just 20 minutes a day. That’s manageable — and gives them so much: autonomy, structure, self-efficacy. It’s a gift, not a burden.

In the end, your approach is also feminist education. How can women ensure that this part of parenting doesn’t fall solely on them again?
This is key: You don’t have to do this alone. You’re not teaching your husband through your children — those are two completely different processes. Supporting your kids is one thing, helping a grown partner step into equity is another. And yes, that’s a process too. For us, it involved many conversations. My husband and I were both raised with the same societal images — the belief that women are «naturally» responsible. I tried to approach it not as a confrontation between the two of us, but as a united front against an unfair system.

Can you give a concrete example of how that worked?
I told him: «These expectations are breaking me. I’m overwhelmed. And I want to model something different for our kids.» It’s not just about me having less to do — it’s about him growing too. My husband now often says: «Being an active, equal partner has made my life richer.» It’s not that life becomes harder — just fuller. And yes, just like with kids, this process takes time and repetition.

You and your husband discuss this in your audio course Mental Load Man, right?
Exactly — it’s a recorded conversation, like a podcast. I ask him questions like: «What did you think when you first heard about the concept of the mental load?» or: «How did you overcome your initial resistance to really learn and change?» I’m clear about this: I explained what the mental load was, but how he opened up and changed — that was on him.

I saw a study recently that said there are fewer divorces in more equal households. I’m not sure if that’s solid data or feminist wishful thinking — but it makes total sense to me …
Honestly, I believe it too! And that’s the crux: so many women ask me how to get their partner to participate. And behind that question is often a huge mountain of emotional labor. My program aims to lighten that load — by letting men hear from another man how it can be done. It’s about understanding, growth, and owning responsibility — not because they’re forced to, but because they want to.

Is it ever too late to start? My kids are eight and ten — but what if you’ve got teenagers who just disappear into their rooms?
It’s never too late. I often hear from parents with adult children still living at home: «Is there still hope?» And I say: yes! You’re the parents, you live together, you share a household — and you’re allowed to set new expectations. The key is to clearly explain the new approach and support its implementation. It’s never too late for a shift in perspective.

And what about neurodivergent or strong-willed kids?
Absolutely possible! We’re a neurodivergent family ourselves. It’s important to remember that kids with ADHD or other challenges often have executive functioning delays of three to four years — in areas like planning, organizing, and emotional regulation. So if your child is ten, think in terms of what’s age-appropriate for a six- or seven-year-old. Break tasks down into small steps. Walk through things together — like how to make a bed, corner by corner. Use visual aids, timers, routines. And don’t see resistance as defiance — it’s often overwhelm. The goal is to create a structure that fits their brain — not force them to fit the system.

What I love most about your approach: it’s not about how to do more — but how to carry less.
Exactly. It’s not about becoming even better multitasking superheroes — it’s about shifting the system so that others take responsibility too. So we can finally feel some relief.

But isn’t this, once again, just an individual solution to a systemic problem?
System problems are created by individuals so if we want to break down inequitable systems and messages, we have to do it on an individual level, brick by brick. Uprooting an entire system doesn’t happen overnight and frankly, I’m too tired to take that on. But what I can do is intentionally shift how I teach my kids. I can start my own little revolution with my family, knowing that the ripple effects of this will be huge. If you teach your kids to Notice and Do at home, they’ll start also being proactive contributors outside the home as well – noticing what needs to be done in the classroom, with their friends, and in the community. This is how we break the cycle of motherhood burnout and inequitable partnerships. This cycle-breaking shift starts in the home.

Sam Kelly’s free guidebook «Notice and Do» is available here. She is currently working on a book to be published by Harper Collins in fall 2026.